Yet another 7am post...

I learned 2 facts today. 

I spent the last few hours of the night curling up on my bed agonizing over my heartbrokenness. How my heart was torn apart, this summer, this past semester, last spring break, 2 years ago... by different people, all of them my brothers and sisters. I am bitter. Bitter at how things never work out for me, bitter at stupid people saying stupid things, bitter at liars who think I'm too dumb to find out the truth.  

Then I remember listening to a sermon online by John Piper almost two years ago. The title of the sermon was Battling the unbelief of bitterness, something like that. Basically his thesis was we get bitter toward things/people because we don't trust God. We don't trust that the circumstance we are in happened in God's will. We think that we deserve things to happen the way we want them to happen. 

I realized that's how I think. I want MY way, and the way things are going on right now is just plain wrong. The way people are treating me is wrong. The way that no job opportunities are showing up is also wrong. I want my way to come true - meet someone who's 4 years older, get married when I am 22, get the citizenship and stay here forever, thus fulfilling the "American dream". But He said, 

" For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways. " declares the Lord.  "As heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." 

I can keep being bitter and channel my rage towards those few people, or  I can choose to believe that in everything that is going on, God works for my best interest - because I love him, and I've been called for his greater purpose. even though, emotionally, I feel like I need to be hiding in a hole for a couple of days. 

For the first time in a very long time, I wanna go home. Where is home?