music.

Music means a lot to me. When I think about my future wedding, one thing that I get excited about is the idea of singing a duet with my future husband in front of all the guests. If you ask me to define music, I would say that music is a gift from God to convey ideas and emotions that words cannot express.When I learned singing from Andrew Cheung in Hong Kong, he said that more than vocal technicalities, the most important thing that he wanted me to learn is to express emotions through the song that I am singing. I believe that songs are more than melodies, lyrics and notes. A song is meant to convey all the emotions given by the writer’s intention, the performer’s interpretation and the connection between the performer and the audience.

When I first started to play the keyboard in a worship setting, I went through a time when I was utterly frustrated by my lack of skills. Eventually I realized that it was because I was focusing on what I am doing and not focusing on God. I remember praying in repentance that I would not use music ever again for my own gain. I prayed that every single note I sing, every single note I play on any instrument would be dedicated to glorify God and would not be used to raise attention to myself. Of course, after that prayer I still continue to mess up and there are countless times when I did not make music for the right reason, even when I am in a worship setting.

However, what this commitment translated to me in my daily life is that I think that I shouldn’t sing words that I do not mean. When I randomly burst out in songs, even if it’s just a regular love song, I am probably thinking along the lines of those lyrics. (Think: And I am Telling You I’m Not Leaving in the context of last semester) I don’t want to sing the bridge of Marvelous Light unless I am really going to “lift my hands and turn around”. When I use music selfishly just to satisfy my own emotions and desires, I feel guilty because my music is only used to glorify God, and my emotions are being poured out for either someone else or myself, not God.

Music conveys emotions. Isn’t that why music is the most popular way to corporately worship God? When we come together to sing a song of praise, us, as performers, were all directed to express our emotions in unity, to our one and only audience –God. If someone were in this setting but not meaning the words they sing, I don’t think there is any value in them singing that song. In Isaiah 29:13,
“The Lord says: "These people come near to me with their mouth and honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me. Their worship of me is made up only of rules taught by men.”
How much of our worship is made up only of rules taught by men?

It is easy for us to be skeptical of what we do because we have intentionally or unconsciously followed the footsteps of those before us. However, the main point of this passage is not whether we were following rules or not but where our hearts really are. If we truly mean to do what we are doing to worship God, I don’t think he would mind whether I am singing an original song I wrote or singing a song that I heard from some older person.

The guy who taught me how to play keyboard in a worship setting started of by telling me to learn how to pray through the keyboard. He told me to practice keeping my mouth shut but to let my prayers flow through the music instead. For me, during the typical post-sermon prayer times when I am supposed to play the keyboard in the “prayer mode”, it is a chance for me to offer my prayers for the body through the music that I am playing. It is so much more that “setting the mood” and “covering other people’s voices so you can concentrate on your own prayer”. This is an attitude that I have learned from the older and wiser, and I have witnessed God using the keyboardist’s music as the Holy Spirit ushers in, to bring in peace and to facilitate prayers.

However, I also believe with all my heart that some times silence is more powerful than any music anyone has to offer. There is a time for everything, and everything is permissible, but God looks at our heart through everything that we do. Questioning what we do is a good thing, but if that brings up bitterness and distract you from praying to God, I think that we can identify that as a little trick that the devil is using.

Next time we sing Marvelous Light, would anyone lift their hands and turn around with me? =)

God is goood =)

It's 12am and I need to sleep, but I really want to blog. 

This is how I think: 

1. I didn't really want to go through all the hassle travelling to Urbana. It was in St. Louis not Urbana anyways. 

2. I want to sleep in and not go to work when I feel like it. I like not having to go to work on Fridays. 

3. I want to go to all these conferences/retreats. and spend a lot of money. 

4. I want to go to Boston with my friends. and spend money. 

5. I want to go to go on a ski trip with my friends. and spend more money. 

But God thinks the opposite. I'm so glad and oh-so-thankful that he always wins. =) 

Interview with Patrick Fung from Urbana 09 on Vimeo.

HELLO!

It's been too long since I last updated. Diana said I need more pictures in my blog.. so here you go.

I have never seen this much snow in my life - our cars turned into 3 big snowmen standing right in front of our house.

On Friday afternoon we had an epic Monty vs. Summit snowball fight - it wasn't that epic, to be honest, but it was quite fun. It was also my first snowball fight ever. The next day, I got really bored so I asked Jae to jump into the snow with me.

And then me and Chris walked to Ivy Road to pick Diana up. The roads were like this:

Diana stayed over for two nights, and then we had Sunday house church service at Monty. T'was fun. Like a house church.

On another note, I think I must have made >25 cups of hot chocolate (aka. hocho) this weekend. The batch we made on Sunday night from scratch was really nice and smooth - best texture I've ever made. But someone commented that it was "too chocolatey [comma] not sweet enough" which I didn't quite understand.

This whole weekend just felt like a retreat @ Monty with lots of brothers and sisters =).. So FUN! Reminds me of TGIS.. or... should I say.. TGIW? muahahaha...

Last but not least, I saw Good Will Hunting for the first time last night. I like this scene.

On disappointment...

I think I put too much trust on people.

Tonight, I was thoroughly disappointed by our inability to be compassionate towards others.  We don't understand why certain situations are stressful for certain people. We are insensitive. We are slow to help. We are not willing to sacrifice ourselves to love others. 

This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. - 1 john 4:10

True love is the willingness to sacrifice. True love is.. 

- When my apartmentmate cleaned the kitchen and bathroom regularly without saying a word when I still didn't know how to take care of a home when I was a second year

- When my sister woke up extra early to drop me off at work so that I can save 30 minutes commuting 

- When my brother volunteered to take a day off to give me a ride because otherwise I wouldn't be able to get a car

I need to learn how to love. 

Oh the ironies of life...

So, as you all know, I'm still here in C'ville. 

On the day that I had to leave I found out about a job possibility with a psych professor. After waiting through the weekend, I finally got the words that I can start working for him as a temp worker. The irony: The professor was the first person I've met for the very first job that I had applied to. It was the beginning of the summer when I went to see him and was told that I could work for him when the position open up in the fall, but I never heard anything from until the exact day I was planning to leave C'ville.  And the way I found out about it was so indirect - It wasn't me who found out about it, it wasn't the professor who contacted me. It was Grace who saw the poster in Gilmer Hall and showed it to me. It was grace, indeed. 

It boggles my mind when I think about how I was so close to working for that Professor even back in July. If it wasn't for the Staff Retreat, maybe I could have seen him on that Friday instead of the following Monday got that summer job in time? It seems like I applied too all these different jobs through out the past three months for nothing just to get back to the very first job that I have applied to. Just like the israelites who wandered in the desert for 40 years when they could have crossed it in 11 days. If there was one thing that God wanted me to learn in this past three months, it could be summarized in this verse "I am the LORD, this is my name. I will not give my glory to another, nor my praise to idols." 

My initial reaction to this verse was "ok. sounds like a verse that doesn't really mean much that I can skip through." And then on second thought "I guess I have some idols. Pride, perfectionism, dark chocolate..." But this summer/fall God humbled me by showing me the depth of the word "idol" and the ways that my heart has been occupied by this one "idol" that I have. I have to cast it out, but its so hard its almost impossible - and then I realize it is impossible on my own. Only God can do it. And as I stop trying on my own, God intervenes. 

I'm still learning how to give up these idols, but what God told me recently was this: God doesn't care what decision I make regarding where to live half as much as He cares about my heart. When my heart truly desire to exalt God as my King, God will do crazy things for me. He could have dug up the whole Hong Kong and put it right next to Charlottesville if He wanted to. Instead of trying to figure out all the 235,159,325 things that this world forces us to figure out for ourselves, just try this: put God first in our hearts. 

10 days...

 I just found out some of you were utterly shocked when you found out that I actually am mentally prepared to leave the States in 10 days.  It's true.  Not that I don't trust that God can work miracles or that He can provide, but I feel at peace wherever he calls me to be.  It is true that I would love to stay here and continue with things that I am doing here, with Bible Study, meeting up with people, etc etc. But I am convinced that if God wants me to stay, he would provide me with financial provision and the status to stay.  If not, I would take it as God wanting me to go to Hong Kong and meet opportunities there.  Not to say that what I am doing here is not important - they are the works that the Lord has given me to do thus far, but I am truly convince that God would rise up leaders(who, btw, might be you;)  to take over the roles that I have been taking up. Especially in terms of Bible Study, God himself has been the leader of our group and He will be, no matter who the "nominal" leader is.

I am excited for what God is going to do within GCF, at Servants, Urbana, even Passion Conference and I wish I could be a part of it, but my first priority is to follow Jesus. God can do anything in the next 10 days and I am looking forward to it. I am fully convinced that things would turn out the best way it could possibly be. So, I just want you to be mentally prepared as well, so that I won't shock you when I finally leave this place in 10 days, if I have to. 

pedicure...

So the "blogging every day till I leave" thing is not working out.. 

but I went to get a pedicure with jane and julene today for the first time and it was so much fun! I love how my feet looks now =D so pretty... The lady who did it for me is an old vietnamese grandma and I really like her.  And i was thinking I should be a masseuse - what other job would give me $80/hour?

My toe nails are now dark purple, by the way. 

Oh so hopefully I'll be going up to the mountains on Thursday/Friday.