One of those emo late night posts...

If there is a problem that keeps you wide awake at 3:49am in the morning, it probably means you should do something about it? Or maybe it was just the tea I had this afternoon... 

Here is a really emo song that goes well with the mood... 

Willingness to take risk 

This is one virtue that I admire a lot. In fact, this has become one of the two items that I have broiled down to on the "list" for my future husband. 

I once thought that I am pretty good at this. If you ask my friend, they would probably say that  I jump into things too quickly, I am to hasty to make decisions... Indeed, I am too impatient to sit around if I know certain things ought to be done. I have to get up right away and do it. If there is something that absolutely needs to be said, I will confront people and talk to them about it. I guess this is why I have such a hard time when I have to hold back. 

This time, I want to just take a risk and lay everything out, but I don't think I can. Some people says I am not supposed to do this, and some say I really should. Whatever, I don't really care what they say. What bothers me more is that I am uncertain about what God wants me to do. People say that if I am not sure what to do, just do whatever and God will redeem it. I believe that God is a redeeming God and He uses all our experience to shape us into who we are now, but I also believe that He let us make choices, and there are consequences that follow our choices made. Bad consequences come with bad choices. After all the bad choices I have made during the past two years, I am not too keen on making whatever decision and getting hurt again. 

Of all the things that I have learned in this past year, one thing that I have tasted full well was the downside of vulnerability - the pain of betrayal and rejection. I try to be vulnerable when I interact with my sisters because I belief if I can open up to them, sooner or later, they will be able to do the same with me. This year, I finally came to see how it can actually come around and hurt me. For a while I let this get into the way as I interact with sisters and I find myself, for the first time ever after I have met these sisters, hesitating whether to keep certain things to myself. When I had to talk to someone, I chose to talk to guys because unlike girls, their actions showed that they care. It took me three months to realize that this is a problem that I should deal with. Not that there is anything wrong with my brothers, they are awesome. It's just, you know, [copy and paste here all the regular reasons that people talk about against guy-girl friendship]  

Today, I was having a hard time and trying to find someone online to talk to. I felt so alone as I realized, "Hey, there is really no one I can talk to! *this person* is far far away and *this person*, I don't really like anymore. And I never really talked to *this person* either" Now, did I make friends and maintain our friendships because this is what I want from them - to be able to have someone to talk to when I am down? More and more did I realize that NOTHING I do is NOT tainted by selfish motives. We love ourselves SOOO much. We can hurt others with our own words and feel hurt ourselves because others interpreted our  words in a hurtful way. We never seem to see our own faults. It is so easy to see the sawdust of speck in other's eyes and ignore the plank in our own eyes. We are bound to be hurt from interacting with each other because we are all selfish people. 

Does this mean that I should shut my self up and not be vulnerable with these people anymore? Should self-protection get in the way of loving others? When Paul was in jail he said that he has learned the secret to be contend in all circumstances - whether in poverty or in plenty. This is why he can do all things, or let's say, go through any circumstance, through the strength that comes from Christ. This means that no matter how down and unworthy I am feeling, no matter how lonely I am, no matter how betrayed or rejected I feel because of others' actions, I can still be contend. I can still rejoice in the Lord and have the capacity to love others, because the joy of the Lord is my strength - a joy does not depend on circumstances but comes from the fact that my eternal position is secured through Christ. (thanks Francis Chan)

Back to the point of risk-taking. I am not sure how the current situation would go. Today I felt like the whole incident I went through last year is going to repeat itself. This time, the main characters A & B are going to be different, but I will still be me. I've heard that God makes us go through the same trials over and over again until we get it. I think I get what He's saying, but I'm just having a hard time acting upon it. Well, maybe I'm thinking too much. Maybe I'm making a big deal out of nothing. But I tell yah, last time I did this, my suspicion turned out to be true. But maybe this time I am wrong. Maybe it will end in a completely different way. God knows. 

-

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Oh, if there is any undergrad reading this, note the following - it'll be useful for life:

When someone says "oh there is nothing between us. We're just friends.. " DO NOT TAKE THEIR WORDS. They wouldn't know. Maybe there is nothing now, but only God knows if there will be "something" happening in the future. Trust me, I've said that myself, and I've heard that from others, and SOMETHING always happens - whatever "something" means.

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wow it's 5:27am.. that was good thinking time... 

When we cross the boundary...

Whoah I just read something so profound that I am writing a second post right after I finished the first one. 

The following is a quote from Neil Anderson, The Bondage Breaker. Great book, by the way. Very interesting perspectives. 

"The following statements reveal the sinful results in a number of areas where we are tempted to take the good things that God created beyond the boundary of God's will: 

- cautiousness becomes unbelief

- self-care becomes selfishness

- self-respect becomes conceit

- communication becomes gossip

- positiveness becomes insensitivity

- lovingkindness becomes overprotection

- judgement becomes criticism

- conscientiousness becomes perfectionism

- self-protection becomes dishonesty

- carefulness becomes fear " 

(... that's not all of it)  

The actions on the left are all God-intended and there is nothing wrong with doing these things. However, when we try to put ourselves before either God or other people, we cross the boundary to the actions on the right. Just like what was said in the Heart Motives sermons, when we allocate all our resources to glorify ourselves instead of glorifying God, we sin. 

I JUST SAW A GROUNDHOG PASSED BY OUR BACKYARD THROUGH MY WINDOW!  Random animals have been showing up around the house ever since the mouse incident - a red robin is building a nest on the tree right outside my window, a deer stared at me through my other window few days ago, and then a groundhog showed up!! OH, and the possum in the trash can last winter..  This is so exciting!! Maybe I'll get to see a hedgehog some day!! (fyi, I grew up in a city where you can only find flowers if someone plant them intentionally. In a pot.)  

Okay, my train of thought is interrupted.. 

about fishing....

Today  a jehovah's witness person knocked on my door.  The lady was really sweet and nice, and I didn't want to cut her off, so I just let her talked for a few minutes. What I find somewhat thought-provoking, though, was the conversation I had with a buddy afterwards: 

Chris: wuddup

2:13 PM me: yooo

  not much

  just talked to a jehovah witness

 Chris: hope they didnt change ur mind

  o_O

 me: hahahaahha

  

me: she didnt really say anything.. just gave me some magazines but she said she'll come back

2:15 PM why is it that when someone knock on your door holding a bible, you can almost be sure that they are not presbyterian christian?

2:16 PM Chris: iunno my friend

  western cultural influence

2:17 PM me: my point is, why are we so conservative in winning souls while we are the ones who should be most sure that we are preaching the truth?

2:18 PM Chris: relating to my point, i think it isn't our most effective form of witness because of the stigma attached to the door to door evangelism

2:19 PM people are already instill with a negative connotation about what youre doing

  not saying it cant work

  i just think thats why its generaly not practiced

  i think they do it in the midwest a lot though

2:20 PM me: hm.. so when people are not doing this because of the stigma, they are actually saying "I am not doing this because people will think that I am weird and that I want something from them"

 Chris: i think itd be analogous to trying to witness during rush-hour traffic

  people just aernt as open to it in that setting

  not saying ur afraid to do so

2:21 PM haha give it a shot!

 me: hm...

  but we don't really do it in any other way either..

 Chris: thats true

2:22 PM well we just sent a team to mexico?

  but yeah. theres always more to be done

2:23 PM me: well i think sending a team to somewhere far away but not really talking to people about God right here is a little... backwards..

 Chris: or...we should be doing more

2:24 PM me: yeah...

 Chris: haha good job jaeson ma

  :-)

 me: eh....

2:25 PM what do you think about this

  i propose that being afraid to talk about Christ to people we know = being ashamed of the gospel

  because we are afraid that talking about that would jeoperdize our relationship with that person

2:28 PM Chris: hm

  i wont disagree with that

  but i think there are caveats to it too

  goes back to ur heart motive

  i dont think its...as clearcut as you define it

2:29 PM cuz that can lead to a legalistic mentality 'i need to share christ with this person today'

  obviously im playing one extreme vs another

  but i think u make a valid point

  but discernment is big too

  as a teacher, u cant share ur faith

  or else u get fired

2:30 PM is that a matter of being asahmed or using better judgment

  (i like these kinda discussions)

2:31 PM me: Its like what sherry shin shared at women's retreat... too bad you couldnt be there

2:32 PM but basically i think that there is a difference between preaching the gospel in a context that you are not supposed to, and being open about your faith so that people will come to you and ask about your faith

  (me too)

 

2:51 PM Chris: good point!

  but coming to ask about ur faith

2:52 PM me: yay!

 Chris: is different than feeling of guilt for not sharing with friend

  that word

  'ashamed'

  phew

 me: yeah.. and im not saying we should.. but i guess if you feel guilty, that means something in you is pushing you do it, and you should do it?

  .....
Woah that's kinda long.. but the vision I have for gcf next year would definitely involve a lot more of evangelizing. When we look at the model of the early church, we see people with boldness, people who are ready to suffer for the sake of preaching God's word. Here in America we are so caught up in being comfortable and giving everyone a good impression that we think telling others the truth is offensive. It's like when your boss his pants are unzipped. Well, you should probably tell him then because although he might be embarrassed at first, eventually he would be thankful for your honesty... I don't know if that makes sense, but I just think that if we don't identify our believes to those around us, we're not living like a believer. I am not saying that we should stuff the gospel down everyone's throat either - that would just make people run away from you. Just like how my mom used to force me to read the Bible as a kid which made me avoid reading the Bible for the longest time. But identifying yourself and being not ashamed of your belief is different. and its hard to achieve. I don't want to sound righteous writing this, because I am definitely not doing this enough either. So this is mainly me preaching to myself. I don't know who reads this anyways. ha! 

Understanding motives of the heart

This was the topic of the first week of Bible Study for the summer. We spent extensive hours listening to sermons and studying the Bible about the heart and Rev. Min Chung's heart motive theories.. it was tiring yet awesome. A few things I've learn this time that's worth mentioning... 

1) Heart Motives open our eyes to Total Depravity - that all that we do are tainted with our selfish motives, that our righteousness, to our Holy God, is just like filthy rags... (Isa 64:6).. thus, Calvinism. But more than making us depress over our own sinfulness, it drives us to repentance, and true  repentance brings us to obedience to change. If we do not fight to change, there's no point in learning this whole heart motive thing.

2) It is so easy to try to manipulate others using heart motives... But maybe feeding the heart motives to make others feel loved isn't really a horrible thing either? I'm not sure. 

3) maybe there's not really "a few" things that I've learned after all? I'm just thankful for the Summer BS because I get to choose my own topic and prepare the studies (which I enjoy tremendously) and I LOVE those ladies.. 

Apart from Bible Study, I don't think I can really tell you what I've been up to these days.. because I'm not really sure.. 

You know the feeling when you REALLY want to do something, but you feel guilty doing it, but it's not necessarily a bad thing either, you're just not really sure? ... yup... that's what I'm feeling right now.. 

The end of an era

Today it finally hit me that I am no longer in college, which has been an essential chapter of my life.  As I saw my friend leave this place and move on, I realized it marks the end of an era.  I too, should figure out what to do with my life and move on.  At this point, I am really not sure what I'm going to do after the summer.  I thought I am pretty set, but this weekend, I have been considering following another direction, to live in some place totally different from what I've been expecting.  

On another note, this is what my dear friend told me when I was being emo today. 

"life does not revolve around the people you meet

but rather the impact they have left in your life

hold on to that, not the person

" 

The person who left today has made a fairly large impact in my life. From the skills that i learned, to the words of wisdom during my hard times, to all the things I learned just by observing the way he lives. My goal is to try to make impact on others just like he did on me. 

I need to figure out what to do for my life...