One of those emo late night posts...

If there is a problem that keeps you wide awake at 3:49am in the morning, it probably means you should do something about it? Or maybe it was just the tea I had this afternoon... 

Here is a really emo song that goes well with the mood... 

Willingness to take risk 

This is one virtue that I admire a lot. In fact, this has become one of the two items that I have broiled down to on the "list" for my future husband. 

I once thought that I am pretty good at this. If you ask my friend, they would probably say that  I jump into things too quickly, I am to hasty to make decisions... Indeed, I am too impatient to sit around if I know certain things ought to be done. I have to get up right away and do it. If there is something that absolutely needs to be said, I will confront people and talk to them about it. I guess this is why I have such a hard time when I have to hold back. 

This time, I want to just take a risk and lay everything out, but I don't think I can. Some people says I am not supposed to do this, and some say I really should. Whatever, I don't really care what they say. What bothers me more is that I am uncertain about what God wants me to do. People say that if I am not sure what to do, just do whatever and God will redeem it. I believe that God is a redeeming God and He uses all our experience to shape us into who we are now, but I also believe that He let us make choices, and there are consequences that follow our choices made. Bad consequences come with bad choices. After all the bad choices I have made during the past two years, I am not too keen on making whatever decision and getting hurt again. 

Of all the things that I have learned in this past year, one thing that I have tasted full well was the downside of vulnerability - the pain of betrayal and rejection. I try to be vulnerable when I interact with my sisters because I belief if I can open up to them, sooner or later, they will be able to do the same with me. This year, I finally came to see how it can actually come around and hurt me. For a while I let this get into the way as I interact with sisters and I find myself, for the first time ever after I have met these sisters, hesitating whether to keep certain things to myself. When I had to talk to someone, I chose to talk to guys because unlike girls, their actions showed that they care. It took me three months to realize that this is a problem that I should deal with. Not that there is anything wrong with my brothers, they are awesome. It's just, you know, [copy and paste here all the regular reasons that people talk about against guy-girl friendship]  

Today, I was having a hard time and trying to find someone online to talk to. I felt so alone as I realized, "Hey, there is really no one I can talk to! *this person* is far far away and *this person*, I don't really like anymore. And I never really talked to *this person* either" Now, did I make friends and maintain our friendships because this is what I want from them - to be able to have someone to talk to when I am down? More and more did I realize that NOTHING I do is NOT tainted by selfish motives. We love ourselves SOOO much. We can hurt others with our own words and feel hurt ourselves because others interpreted our  words in a hurtful way. We never seem to see our own faults. It is so easy to see the sawdust of speck in other's eyes and ignore the plank in our own eyes. We are bound to be hurt from interacting with each other because we are all selfish people. 

Does this mean that I should shut my self up and not be vulnerable with these people anymore? Should self-protection get in the way of loving others? When Paul was in jail he said that he has learned the secret to be contend in all circumstances - whether in poverty or in plenty. This is why he can do all things, or let's say, go through any circumstance, through the strength that comes from Christ. This means that no matter how down and unworthy I am feeling, no matter how lonely I am, no matter how betrayed or rejected I feel because of others' actions, I can still be contend. I can still rejoice in the Lord and have the capacity to love others, because the joy of the Lord is my strength - a joy does not depend on circumstances but comes from the fact that my eternal position is secured through Christ. (thanks Francis Chan)

Back to the point of risk-taking. I am not sure how the current situation would go. Today I felt like the whole incident I went through last year is going to repeat itself. This time, the main characters A & B are going to be different, but I will still be me. I've heard that God makes us go through the same trials over and over again until we get it. I think I get what He's saying, but I'm just having a hard time acting upon it. Well, maybe I'm thinking too much. Maybe I'm making a big deal out of nothing. But I tell yah, last time I did this, my suspicion turned out to be true. But maybe this time I am wrong. Maybe it will end in a completely different way. God knows. 

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Oh, if there is any undergrad reading this, note the following - it'll be useful for life:

When someone says "oh there is nothing between us. We're just friends.. " DO NOT TAKE THEIR WORDS. They wouldn't know. Maybe there is nothing now, but only God knows if there will be "something" happening in the future. Trust me, I've said that myself, and I've heard that from others, and SOMETHING always happens - whatever "something" means.

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wow it's 5:27am.. that was good thinking time...