On disappointment...

I think I put too much trust on people.

Tonight, I was thoroughly disappointed by our inability to be compassionate towards others.  We don't understand why certain situations are stressful for certain people. We are insensitive. We are slow to help. We are not willing to sacrifice ourselves to love others. 

This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. - 1 john 4:10

True love is the willingness to sacrifice. True love is.. 

- When my apartmentmate cleaned the kitchen and bathroom regularly without saying a word when I still didn't know how to take care of a home when I was a second year

- When my sister woke up extra early to drop me off at work so that I can save 30 minutes commuting 

- When my brother volunteered to take a day off to give me a ride because otherwise I wouldn't be able to get a car

I need to learn how to love. 

Oh the ironies of life...

So, as you all know, I'm still here in C'ville. 

On the day that I had to leave I found out about a job possibility with a psych professor. After waiting through the weekend, I finally got the words that I can start working for him as a temp worker. The irony: The professor was the first person I've met for the very first job that I had applied to. It was the beginning of the summer when I went to see him and was told that I could work for him when the position open up in the fall, but I never heard anything from until the exact day I was planning to leave C'ville.  And the way I found out about it was so indirect - It wasn't me who found out about it, it wasn't the professor who contacted me. It was Grace who saw the poster in Gilmer Hall and showed it to me. It was grace, indeed. 

It boggles my mind when I think about how I was so close to working for that Professor even back in July. If it wasn't for the Staff Retreat, maybe I could have seen him on that Friday instead of the following Monday got that summer job in time? It seems like I applied too all these different jobs through out the past three months for nothing just to get back to the very first job that I have applied to. Just like the israelites who wandered in the desert for 40 years when they could have crossed it in 11 days. If there was one thing that God wanted me to learn in this past three months, it could be summarized in this verse "I am the LORD, this is my name. I will not give my glory to another, nor my praise to idols." 

My initial reaction to this verse was "ok. sounds like a verse that doesn't really mean much that I can skip through." And then on second thought "I guess I have some idols. Pride, perfectionism, dark chocolate..." But this summer/fall God humbled me by showing me the depth of the word "idol" and the ways that my heart has been occupied by this one "idol" that I have. I have to cast it out, but its so hard its almost impossible - and then I realize it is impossible on my own. Only God can do it. And as I stop trying on my own, God intervenes. 

I'm still learning how to give up these idols, but what God told me recently was this: God doesn't care what decision I make regarding where to live half as much as He cares about my heart. When my heart truly desire to exalt God as my King, God will do crazy things for me. He could have dug up the whole Hong Kong and put it right next to Charlottesville if He wanted to. Instead of trying to figure out all the 235,159,325 things that this world forces us to figure out for ourselves, just try this: put God first in our hearts. 

10 days...

 I just found out some of you were utterly shocked when you found out that I actually am mentally prepared to leave the States in 10 days.  It's true.  Not that I don't trust that God can work miracles or that He can provide, but I feel at peace wherever he calls me to be.  It is true that I would love to stay here and continue with things that I am doing here, with Bible Study, meeting up with people, etc etc. But I am convinced that if God wants me to stay, he would provide me with financial provision and the status to stay.  If not, I would take it as God wanting me to go to Hong Kong and meet opportunities there.  Not to say that what I am doing here is not important - they are the works that the Lord has given me to do thus far, but I am truly convince that God would rise up leaders(who, btw, might be you;)  to take over the roles that I have been taking up. Especially in terms of Bible Study, God himself has been the leader of our group and He will be, no matter who the "nominal" leader is.

I am excited for what God is going to do within GCF, at Servants, Urbana, even Passion Conference and I wish I could be a part of it, but my first priority is to follow Jesus. God can do anything in the next 10 days and I am looking forward to it. I am fully convinced that things would turn out the best way it could possibly be. So, I just want you to be mentally prepared as well, so that I won't shock you when I finally leave this place in 10 days, if I have to. 

pedicure...

So the "blogging every day till I leave" thing is not working out.. 

but I went to get a pedicure with jane and julene today for the first time and it was so much fun! I love how my feet looks now =D so pretty... The lady who did it for me is an old vietnamese grandma and I really like her.  And i was thinking I should be a masseuse - what other job would give me $80/hour?

My toe nails are now dark purple, by the way. 

Oh so hopefully I'll be going up to the mountains on Thursday/Friday. 

patience, little sista...

I'm trying to blog every day until I leave... we'll see how that goes.

I've realized that whether I get to stay is not just a visa issue - there are things that I can do to keep staying here, but it broils down to the fact that my family/parents can't see my visions and can't agree with me in terms of where God is leading me to do. That is, if God is calling me to stay. Right now I "feel" like He is, but the problem is that I'm not completely sure. Not even 50% sure. If I am sure, I can tell them I'm going to stay and if God doesn't stop me they're not going to. But I don't have 100% confidence to say that God wants me to stay. Every fleshly part of me is dying to stay here, but I am afraid that my own desire is masking me from hearing God's voice. I need to know for sure that this is what He wants.

Although I've been trying to know what He wants for me this year for, wow, over a year now, I still have no clue what he wants. Sometimes I doubt if it is because I am not praying right, or I'm not fasting right, or maybe I am just too much of a sinner to hear his voice. But then I realized if He wants to tell me something he'd let me know regardless of what I do or what I fail to do. God is bigger than any wrong thing I can do.

"I will lead the blind by ways they have not known,
along unfamiliar paths I will guide them;
I will turn the darkness into light before them
and make the rough places smooth.
These are the things I will do;
I will not forsake them." - Isaiah 42:16


... and I really like this song we did on Sunday

"We're living in uncertain times,
more and more I've found that I'm aware of how fragile life can be
I want to tell the World I've found a love that turned my life around
they need to know, so they can taste and see

now everyday I'm praying, just to give my heart away
I want to live for Jesus so that someone else might see that he is everything,
he's more than a story,
more than words on a page of history
He's the air that I breathe, the water I thirst for,
the ground beneath my feet,
Oh He's everything... "

36 days...

The past few weeks have been hard for me, personally. Job-searching-wise, doors have been shutting in my face, personal relationships haven't been going the ways I wanted, and I've been facing tremendous pressure from the family to go home. Sometimes I think it would be much easier just to pack up and leave, but I believe this is not why God has been keeping me here. No matter where I will be for the rest of the year, this remaining 1.5 month would be dedicated for His work here in Charlottesville.
I've been thinking, what can I do, if there is only 36 days left for me in this community, to make the most out of what I have here? What can I do to pour out my all that I have received freely from God himself through this community, to give back to those whom I dearly love here in Charlottesville/VA? I have been locking myself in my prayer closet (aka my room) praying and seeking and trying to figure out what God wants me to do, but I guess with 36 days left, I should start making good use of my geographic location here and do more of those things that I cannot do when I leave this place. And I have came to the conclusion that what I really want to do is to meet up with my sisters (and maybe brothers too), to just talk, and tell them what God has done in my life, and to pray with them.
But of course, I don't want to leave. I want to do college ministry. I don't want to leave my Bible Study group after leading them for just 5 weeks. I want to go to Servants Retreat and Urbana. I want to stay and see what miracles God will be doing in GCF this year. But if God has something else in mind, I am sure it will be the best for me. But for now, all that is asked of me is to love God and persevere. So I'll try to do so, with all these kept in mind:

"Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God." - Colossians 3:1-3

"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you." - Philippians 4:8-9

"You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit—fruit that will last. Then the Father will give you whatever you ask in my name." - John 15:16

"Delight yourself in the LORD
and he will give you the desires of your heart." - Psalms 37:4

" "I, the LORD, have called you in righteousness;
I will take hold of your hand.
I will keep you and will make you
to be a covenant for the people
and a light for the Gentiles,

to open eyes that are blind,
to free captives from prison
and to release from the dungeon those who sit in darkness.

"I am the LORD; that is my name!
I will not give my glory to another " - Isaiah 42: 6-8