Be the Net.

Testimony about Songwriting

2011-07-11T07:41:00.000-07:00

Ever since I came back to Hong Kong in Oct 2010, God has been doing new things in my life. Today I shall share with you one of the new things I have been doing: songwriting.

My college years was the period of time when I thought I had finally explored my potentials and learned about myself, what I like to do (e.g. cooking, baking, ultimate frisbee, counseling and psychology...) and what I do not like to do (e.g. dishes, writing papers, being late for things, turning off all appliances when I leave a room). I thought that was it, I now know what are the things I would like to do or avoid in the future, but God had given me so many surprises with new abilities and dreams after I came back to Hong Kong.

When I was in college, I was labelled as a fob (they couldn't tell the difference between fobs and international students). To my understanding, fobs are bad at english. So I assumed that I am bad at english and shouldn't touch anything writing-related. It turns out that having an accent and making grammatical mistakes when you speak here and there doesn't mean you can't be a good writer.

Don't get me wrong, I am not saying I am now a good writer, but God uses the weak to shame the strong and he has definitely been using my weaknesses to bless me and others around me. Sometimes he just downloads lyrics to me, other times he would give me an idea and I would have to toy with it for days, weeks or even months to make the lyrics "how they are supposed to be".

Around 2-3 months ago, my senior pastor mentioned in a sermon how there are very limited songs out there about the unity of the church, and that someone should write a song about that so we don't have to sing One Voice all the time. And so I did. It took me weeks after weeks of revising, both the lyrics and the melody, but when it was finally done, I realized that the lyrics were so good that I couldn't have written it myself. But I did. What a paradox.

Even though I knew that God was using me to write a powerful song, I was still somehow caught up in my own insecurities and I didn't want to show the song to people, fearing that they might criticize my song, or think that I am not gifted in this area so why am I doing this, or that people might think that I am a boastful not-talented fool. It took awhile until God kicked my butt and forced me to finally show the song to my worship pastor, and even though he gave me both encouragement and positive criticisms, I chose to only listen to the "criticisms" part. I felt like the job that God had assigned to me was done, so after that I didn't even touch the keyboard for a whole week. My worship pastor said he would try to present that song to the congregation at a right time, maybe during the upcoming retreat, so I thought to myself "ok I am done. My hands are off this song."

I don't know how I fell into listening Satan's lies, but he kept attacking me and making me doubt whether that song was good enough, whether I should be spending time writing songs, and it took a lot of strength and discipline to not fall into my fearful thinking during the days preceding the retreat.

At the retreat, I was even more distressed about my songwriting abilities as I figured that they probably wouldn't sing my song at the retreat. However, on the second night of the retreat, God gave a word of knowledge to a brother who was praying for me, and that really blew my mind and convinced me that God had given me that song, straight from Himself. After praying through it, I realized that God was asking me, "Why are you ashamed of your songs if you know that they are from me? If you trust that I, not the devil, am the source of that song, and that song was written for the church, you should present it to the church."

"But... what, now at this retreat? That's so last minute! I have to ask the pastors for permission, and I don't even know if they would have the time for me to do this. Maybe they'd think that I'm a trouble maker? And I don't even have a band that could play for me... I've only done this song with just piano....AND I DIDN'T EVEN BRING MY LYRICS AND CHORD SHEETS! This makes absolutely NO sense! "

But the sermon that night was on Launching out into the Deep, from Luke 5. Jesus told Simon Peter to "Launch out into the deep and let down the nets for a catch."

Jesus, a carpenter, was trying to tell Simon and his friends, a bunch of seasoned fishermen what to do when it comes to catching fish. It was early in the morning, not the right time for fish-catching, Simon had toiled all night and didn't catch a thing, the were already washing their nets... nothing made sense. But Simon said " We have worked all night and haven't caught anything. Nevertheless, at your words, I will let down the nets"

"Nevertheless, at your words..." I will do what you want me to do. It was a step of faith, and I didn't even understand the fullness of what I was trying to do, but that night, I somehow decided that I would present my song during this retreat. And as God's children started doing God's work, so did Satan's minions start working against it.

I caught my worship pastor the next day to ask about the possibility of presenting the song, and he said "Yes you can probably do that during offering time on Sunday. Let me talk to [our senior pastor] and I'll get back to you." By that time it was already right before the evening service on Saturday. Aka T-18hrs. I know if I am going to do this, I can't wait for the confirmation but I have to start preparing right away, whether I can end up having that time or not. I asked four of my friends to play the song with me in the band, but only two of them owned the recording and the bassist has never actually heard the song. Despite all the good stuff that was going on during the evening service, I was worrying about it at the back of my mind the whole night. I was STRESSED OUT. I felt my spirit crying out "I'm under attack and I need prayer support"

So purely out of God's grace, I got an opportunity to pray with those in my House Church that night after the service. After we prayed for a couple of people, I shared what was going on and I asked them to pray for me. I didn't expect much at first, but I was blown away by the love and support from every single member in the group. During the long prayer, which I try really hard not to forget the details, my brothers and sisters prayed for joy, strength and courage, gave me confirmation on the calling in songwriting that I was hearing from God and encouraged me to take heart as I go through this trial that would make my heart pure as gold.

The next day the devil's work continued. Because of various reasons we couldn't get together and practice until maybe 10 minutes before the service was supposed to start, and as soon as we started, one of the monitors started giving a loud and obnoxious buzz that we tried to ignore throughout the practice. I also felt like I couldn't sing out loud because I was so self-conscious and I didn't eat breakfast. We ran through the song twice and that was it. We had to start the service.

Long story short, we did the song during offering time. It seems like people liked it because they started clapping along half-way through and afterwards. I was just "in the zone" with the HS and I didn't really care what was going on, but I did hear myself singing quite loud and the band playing wonderfully. As they were playing the outro, I stepped away from the mic stand and people started cheering and clapping. I was blown away because 1. I didn't expect people to be cheering 2. I know it was totally God's doing and it had nothing to do with me AND 3. I felt overwhelmed by the presence of the Holy Spirit.

Even though I had gone through such a hard time before this moment of victory, I can definitely count so many blessings God gave me that still seem unbelievable to me: starting from the words of knowledge from a brother when he was praying for me on the first night of the retreat that motivated me to step out in faith, to my sister who kept praying for me and allowed me to share every little detail of my struggles with her, to my brother who was willing to stay up late listening to my song and figuring out the chords even though he was tired and hungry, to the prayers and encouragement from the House Church, to the brother who kept trying to convince me it'll be okay even if we don't get to practice, to the brother who hugged me and prayed for me when I was shaking with fear, to the amazing band + sound peepz who played the song awesomely even though all they had was the hand-written lyrics sheet that only had 8 chords on them. Yeah, now I'm convinced that God made this possible - I only had to take a small step of faith, and he took care of everything else for me.

This turned out to be a much longer blog post than I had expected. I was supposed to sleep two hours ago. Anyway, here are the lyrics to this song I have been babbling about. I will spare you from the live recording though. Even though the band played awesomely and I go back to the recording from time to time for kicks, I still cringe when I hear myself. I was quite pitchy. I don't understand how I can be so pitchy. I must really have been "in the zone" and not listening.

Title: Make You Known

Verse 1:
You are the Cornerstone
With our lives you’ve built your throne
Now as we gather
Let your presence be known

Verse 2:
You freely give us grace
On the cross you took our place
You bore our shame
It’s in Your name we are saved

Pre-chorus:
Seal Your words into our minds
Bind Your love here in our hearts

Chorus:
We will witness Your grace
As we walk in Your way
Make You known To the world each day
See You in quiet whispers
Feel Your transforming power
Lift Your name up high
Among the nations

Bridge:
Through our lives Your will be done
Through our prayers Your battles be won
We stand as we proclaim, “Your Kingdom come”
Let Your Kingdom come

Come use our hands and feet
Bring hope to the weary and weak
You gave authority
So the greater things
Now we will see

Tag:
We are called to one hope
We are one by Your love
We are one Only by Your grace

Church

2011-03-20T10:36:00.000-07:00

God has blessed me so much through the churches I go to. Used to be GCF, now SP. I'm beyond blessed.

I'm only saying this because I didn't tell any of my new church friends about this blog (I think), but yeah... I think this church I'm going to right now is pretty legit. I love it.

That's it for the entry. Don't know what else to say because my mind has been twitterized.

Songs that touch my heart

2011-02-17T07:32:00.001-08:00

Started working 2 days ago and have been horribly sick with a flu, so this shall be a short update.

2 beautiful songs with such contrasting lyrical content:

You know which way is right.

Toying with my own emotions

2011-02-05T10:30:00.000-08:00

Allow me to be emo for the day.

I believe I have full control over my emotions and in times like these when I am indulging in negativity, I am just too lazy to kick these thoughts out of my head. Listening to "Tell me the meaning of being lonely" and other emo songs alike and watching Moulin Rouge were bad ideas. Listening to The Only Exception on repeat was a bad idea too as all I could focus on was the line "And that was the day when I promised I'd never sing of love if it doesn't exist."

Honestly, I have been doing not-so-hot spiritually ever since the end of the fast. These two weeks have been miserable, almost as if I forgot that God exists. I was just fighting on my own for the "stuff" that I want, As things in the present life collide with some bad memories from the past, I see the pattern of my biggest downfall setting into motions again. I can see where this would go, and the ending would likely be disastrous. "Not the sixth time!" I said to myself. Alas, controlling emotions is a lot harder said than done. Something's gotta change.

Slamming on the break produces a huge adrenaline rush.

I love adrenaline rushes.

Do you know what I'm talking about? 'Cause I might not.

----

I'll end with a funny story.
My dear friend was trying to console me after a pitiful episode of self-doubt and insecurity.

She said: lol perhaps
if it makes you feel better, google hot guys with ugly girls
and see what you find

I laughed out loud for 2 straight minutes.
The end.

Cake.....

2011-02-01T09:26:00.001-08:00

New goals:

http://smittenkitchen.com/2007/06/having-my-cake/
http://smittenkitchen.com/2007/11/tiramisu-cake/

=D

Day 22 - BREAK FAST DAY!!!!

2011-01-24T06:22:00.000-08:00

Baked the night away the previous night, and I have to confess that I tasted cake batters and cream cheese filling and whipped cream many times, but it was liquid-y enough that I didn't think I was doing something wrong. lol.

Learned something about fancy ovens the hard way - they have different settings that allow heat to be released in specific directions. for instance, you can bake a cake in 350F with heat only coming from the top, so the top will burn and the bottom will still be completely raw. Because of that I had to re-do the cake and ended up only sleeping 3 hours before heading out to Prayer Meeting. Prayer Meeting was GOOD. It was good because God's presence was there. I mean God's presence is everywhere, but you can actually FEEL God's presence and the Holy Spirit ministering to people there. Today's passage was Matt 18 and Pastor Sam talked aboutForgiveness using the parable of the unforgiving servant. I'm sure you have heard it many times like I did, but man, today it hit me HARD. The HS showed me so much unforgiveness in my heart that I haven't even noticed before, and seriously, who am I to hold these grudges when I owe God so much more that I could even repay? And then it blew my mind just realizing how much God has forgiven me of, all the sins I've committed, all the hurtful word
s coming out of my mouth, all the hypocrite deeds with wretched motives... all wiped away, white as snow... I know these sound like Christian lingos & blahs, but I guess this amazement can only be understood by grace through the Holy Spirit.

Honestly, I have been looking forward to this day pretty much every single day during the fast, but when I was at the prayer meeting today, I really didn't want it to end. I simply didn't want to leave. Dude, who needs food when God is so much better and more sustaining and comforting.. and I don't know, it just felt really good to be in God's presence.

If all these sound like crazy-talk to you, maybe you should consider fasting for a period of time and seeing what God does to you. I've pretty much gone crazy. CRAZY for GOD lol. Ok I'll stop acting weird. Right now I'm just really happy, really exhausted, but still really thankful.

By the way, to listen to sermons during morning prayer and sunday services, go to www.solomonsporchhk.com

Yesterday during Service Pastor Sam had warned us about the process of breaking fast and the need of self-discipline in doing so, horror stories about people not breaking fast right and also specific food we should and shouldn't eat the first few days. Here are 2 main points I got:

1. Breaking the fast requires the same, if not more the amount of self-discipline as you did during the fast.

2. Stop eating at the first warning sign

oh and he also said no cookies, pastries or cakes.

So after I finally got home, I broke fast for real with the following:

Bo Lo Bao as promised, pear and korean strawberries.

This is how much I ended up with when I decided to stop.

So that was 2 strawberries, 1/3 of a pear, and none of the bolobao.

I eventually ate some of the bao part of the BLB though.

But then after that I took a nap and went a korean street food place with Jason and Joseph. I ate ddukbokki. Like 6 pieces of them. And then I ate cake. Please pray for my digestive system.

So good. All these for HK$90.

I ate this cake. That I made for this dude.

To read more about the cake, go to http://yourfaceislikedirt.blogspot.com/

I am bringing YOUR FACE IS LIKE DIRT back to life.

Day 20 & 21

2011-01-24T06:20:00.000-08:00

Coming soon.

Day 19

2011-01-21T08:49:00.000-08:00

Hello! I'm blogging again because CLIU said it'd be cool if I did. It's already Day 19 and I'm feeling... so complicated.

I am overjoyed because I'll get to eat in a little over 54 hours and it makes me so happy just thinking about what to get after our 7am break fast prayer meeting on Monday morning. I'm thinking, BoLoBao for sure, and then maybe i can eat some eggs... but that's not the point.

This is not the point.

My no.1 reason for this fast was to get to the "next spiritual level" and be more in line with God's presence in my life. I was expecting something really life-changing to happen. I was expecting every day of the fast to be ground-shaking and that I would be soooo close to God I can hear even his breath.. but that wasn't the case. At least not for the past 19 days. Looking back I wished that I had spent more time reading and praying, went to morning prayers more often, read more of the Christian books piling up next to my bed... but it was very hard to stay focused. It was so cold it's hard to concentrate.

But I shouldn't waste time regretting what has been done.

Today I was talking to a dear sister and she reminded me of how faithful God has always been. He has pulled me through the toughest times and he will do that again. Oh, and I also just realized I have a huge prayer project to do for the next two days. Please pray for me as I pray. haha.

I can't remember a trial or a pain He did not recycle to bring me gain... He's always been faithful to me.

BTW, SHOUT OUT to my A.B.S sistas and Julene. I'm so thankful for you guys, for your honesty, understanding, constant encouragement and prayer supports.

I don't know how to turn this picture. And Julene, I owe you a picture on my blog.

I'm still alive!

2011-01-18T20:35:00.000-08:00

So if you were wondering why I stopped updating... yeah. I stopped. It felt weird not being able to say that I am fasting but I don't want to tell everyone I am fasting. And then I figured, who's reading this anyway? No one, probably.

On the bright side, I'm still alive!! With only 4.5 days left for the fast!! Woohoooo!! I have a recent obsession over poineer women and lafujimama's blog posts and I think I'm going to cook and bake a lot once Monday hits. I am going to make pasta, bread and udon from scratch. Successfully. Some day.

Here is a picture of pictures Stephanie sent me because all blog entries deserves a good picture. In this case a picture of good pictures.

Day 2

2011-01-04T21:08:00.000-08:00

I felt a lot better on Day 2 - probably because I was distracted by cooking lol. Some of my dad's younger friends (Med students) were coming over for dinner so I volunteered to cook. I was so sad as I tasted the sauce of the dishes. =( Here are a few dishes I made:

Chicken stew - Chinese style. You can still see the chicken fingernails lol

Fried Rice, Chinese style. My cooking style has changed so much. I need me some kimchi.

For dessert, the ever-popular Estin Tart.

Ok enough of food pictures ttyl.

Day 1

2011-01-03T21:01:00.000-08:00

Hello World!
It has been a long while since I last had the motivation to post something on this blog. After much consideration I decided that this would be the best option to keep you (yes, you) updated with what's happening to me during these 21 days since I didn't want to annoy my prayer-support-list people with daily emails.

For those who do not know, my very cool new church SP has a certain 21day project as the new year begins. I'm not going to say what it is since I don't know who's reading this, but if you got my email you'd know what I'm talking about. If you don't, you can probably guess. If you have no idea what I am talking about, you can ask me. If you don't know me, you shouldn't be here. lol. By the way, if you do not receive my prayer request+update emails and would love to hear from me once in awhile, feel free to drop me a line in the comment section below.

Yesterday was Day 1 out of 21. I was mentally prepared for the project itself, but the real problem that I didn't really think about presents itself - 7am prayer meetings. It takes about an hour for me to get to church, so that means i have to wake up at 5:45am for these 21 days except for Sundays. =0=. Well that's only, like, 6 hours earlier than when I usually wake up and 3 hours after I usually sleep, not to bad, eh? jk. I felt like I was going to die yesterday morning when I woke up. It was still completely dark outside at 6am.

Hong Kong at 6am.

Even though it was so hard to wake up, I certainly wouldn't want to skip the morning prayer meetings. I am certain that it was what sustained me through the day. Well, technically God sustained me through the day, but you know what I mean...

They say that the first 3-7 days are the hardest... we'll see how it goes.

Not by might or power

2010-10-25T14:34:00.000-07:00

Some trust in chariots and some in horses,
but we trust in the name of the LORD our God. - psalm 20:7

One of the worse days in my life

2010-05-04T20:47:00.000-07:00

There was a time near the end of high school when all 8 of my closest friends turned their backs on me because they didn't agree with me with something that I did. Today the same feeling came back again. I guess what I learned is that you don't always have to prove your point and win an argument. Sometimes all you need to say is that "I will be by your side even though I don't agree with you right now." When Martha and Mary was crying over their dead brother, Jesus could have said "Oh ye of little faith, stop crying. I'll raise him from the dead in a second" But he didn't. Jesus wept. He wept because he saw the sorrow of death. He wept because he felt what Mary and Martha felt. Compassion. Come, passion. Oh Lord have mercy.

"Did I not tell you that if you believed, you would see the glory of God?"

---- Gosh, I'm so exhausted.

Contemplating a wedding cake business

2010-04-13T21:16:00.000-07:00

Cake baked to perfection by Master Strampe

Raspberry Walnut filling - ingenious creation by MS

The most significant work i did - icing the bottom tier

Putting in the spine of the cake

Flowers from Agape

Voila!

Bonus: Pad thai for the 3rd year boys. They eat a lot.

So this is what it looks like to God when I cry over my "heartaches"

2010-04-13T20:34:00.000-07:00

Don't be silly, little girl. You'll meet someone your age, someone so wonderful who will blow your mind away. You just wait, darling. Just wait.

I am morbid

2010-03-18T21:01:00.000-07:00

The following are gchat conversation that I had this past week:

me: hm the laundry sounds like its gonna explode
Jane: oh
that's not good
me: hm..
well im gonna die first since im sitting right here
Jane: haha okay
let me knoww
me: haha ok i'll call from heaven
Jane: hahahaha okay!!

------

Eric: you made it back okay?
me: nope i crushed and died im in heaven now
Eric: whoa coooool
how is it?
me: its AWESOME
Eric: what is Jesus like?
me: can't wait for you to join me
Eric: does he really have a beard?
me: jesus is awesome
well you have to come see for yourself
Eric: uh
may I get married and have kids first?
or does God want me to come sooner?
me: marriage and kids, overrated compared to heaven
Eric: yeah
i guess so
but still
haha
cool man
2:13 AM
well glad you're alright then
i will go to sleep
watch over me!
gnite!

----
So, I'm heading off to CCF (Tech) retreat tomorrow and I'm super excited!
Apparently the main speaker David Sliker (IHOP) is an expert of Eschatology (Study of the end times). Let's see what I'm gonna bring back this time =)

Oh, PLEASE keep the retreat in your prayers!!!!

all about food...

2010-03-11T20:38:00.000-08:00

A new found food treasure in Charlottesville: Korean House

Honestly I haven't been to Korean House since First Year. Last time I went was with my korean class, and I never went with GCF people because we would just drive 40 minutes to Bamboo house because it is supposed to be so much better.. but apparently not!

The daughter of the owner served us and she told us that the owner/chef came from the southern part of Korea, near the bay area, that's why he specializes in seafood dishes. The Spicy Cod Fish Stew there is just heavenly. I kept day-dreaming about it the next day at work.

You can't really see it in the picture but they use fresh cod fish for this. That's why fish meat remains intact and the texture doesn't get mushy even after all the time spent in that boiling stone pot.

We also got Bibimbap and Hae Mul Pan Jun (Seafood pancakes). Pretty standard stuff, but well executed. Oh, btw, they added a mountain of cabbage on the bibimbap. Good touch. I'm a sucker for complex texture combination. =)

Today I had to go to Waynesboro for work, so I "passed by" Klines and splurged on ice cream - a quart of Pistachio and half a gallon of Raspberry! Come eat some at Monty!

....

By the way,
I just turned down the opportunity to make my boss' wedding cake...
I NEED INSPIRATION TO BAKE AGAIN!!

Poker birthday cake for my boss' fiancee

Cinnamon Bacon Rolls!

2010-02-28T19:07:00.001-08:00

It feels weird that Jane wasn't here for this...

p.s. how come blogspot messed up the colors of my picture?

I bought a Ponyo!

2010-02-26T14:02:00.000-08:00

Spent 9 days in hong kong and 2 hrs in Japan. Life is full of surprises. Who would have known that the best sushi I have ever tasted in my life would come from a to-go counter in an airport?

Time doesn't heal. God does.

music.

2010-01-23T10:20:00.000-08:00

Music means a lot to me. When I think about my future wedding, one thing that I get excited about is the idea of singing a duet with my future husband in front of all the guests. If you ask me to define music, I would say that music is a gift from God to convey ideas and emotions that words cannot express.When I learned singing from Andrew Cheung in Hong Kong, he said that more than vocal technicalities, the most important thing that he wanted me to learn is to express emotions through the song that I am singing. I believe that songs are more than melodies, lyrics and notes. A song is meant to convey all the emotions given by the writer’s intention, the performer’s interpretation and the connection between the performer and the audience.

When I first started to play the keyboard in a worship setting, I went through a time when I was utterly frustrated by my lack of skills. Eventually I realized that it was because I was focusing on what I am doing and not focusing on God. I remember praying in repentance that I would not use music ever again for my own gain. I prayed that every single note I sing, every single note I play on any instrument would be dedicated to glorify God and would not be used to raise attention to myself. Of course, after that prayer I still continue to mess up and there are countless times when I did not make music for the right reason, even when I am in a worship setting.

However, what this commitment translated to me in my daily life is that I think that I shouldn’t sing words that I do not mean. When I randomly burst out in songs, even if it’s just a regular love song, I am probably thinking along the lines of those lyrics. (Think: And I am Telling You I’m Not Leaving in the context of last semester) I don’t want to sing the bridge of Marvelous Light unless I am really going to “lift my hands and turn around”. When I use music selfishly just to satisfy my own emotions and desires, I feel guilty because my music is only used to glorify God, and my emotions are being poured out for either someone else or myself, not God.

Music conveys emotions. Isn’t that why music is the most popular way to corporately worship God? When we come together to sing a song of praise, us, as performers, were all directed to express our emotions in unity, to our one and only audience –God. If someone were in this setting but not meaning the words they sing, I don’t think there is any value in them singing that song. In Isaiah 29:13,
“The Lord says: "These people come near to me with their mouth and honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me. Their worship of me is made up only of rules taught by men.”
How much of our worship is made up only of rules taught by men?

It is easy for us to be skeptical of what we do because we have intentionally or unconsciously followed the footsteps of those before us. However, the main point of this passage is not whether we were following rules or not but where our hearts really are. If we truly mean to do what we are doing to worship God, I don’t think he would mind whether I am singing an original song I wrote or singing a song that I heard from some older person.

The guy who taught me how to play keyboard in a worship setting started of by telling me to learn how to pray through the keyboard. He told me to practice keeping my mouth shut but to let my prayers flow through the music instead. For me, during the typical post-sermon prayer times when I am supposed to play the keyboard in the “prayer mode”, it is a chance for me to offer my prayers for the body through the music that I am playing. It is so much more that “setting the mood” and “covering other people’s voices so you can concentrate on your own prayer”. This is an attitude that I have learned from the older and wiser, and I have witnessed God using the keyboardist’s music as the Holy Spirit ushers in, to bring in peace and to facilitate prayers.

However, I also believe with all my heart that some times silence is more powerful than any music anyone has to offer. There is a time for everything, and everything is permissible, but God looks at our heart through everything that we do. Questioning what we do is a good thing, but if that brings up bitterness and distract you from praying to God, I think that we can identify that as a little trick that the devil is using.

Next time we sing Marvelous Light, would anyone lift their hands and turn around with me? =)

God is goood =)

2010-01-06T21:07:00.000-08:00

It's 12am and I need to sleep, but I really want to blog.

This is how I think:

1. I didn't really want to go through all the hassle travelling to Urbana. It was in St. Louis not Urbana anyways.

2. I want to sleep in and not go to work when I feel like it. I like not having to go to work on Fridays.

3. I want to go to all these conferences/retreats. and spend a lot of money.

4. I want to go to Boston with my friends. and spend money.

5. I want to go to go on a ski trip with my friends. and spend more money.

But God thinks the opposite. I'm so glad and oh-so-thankful that he always wins. =)

Interview with Patrick Fung from Urbana 09 on Vimeo.

HELLO!

2009-12-21T14:55:00.000-08:00

It's been too long since I last updated. Diana said I need more pictures in my blog.. so here you go.

I have never seen this much snow in my life - our cars turned into 3 big snowmen standing right in front of our house.

On Friday afternoon we had an epic Monty vs. Summit snowball fight - it wasn't that epic, to be honest, but it was quite fun. It was also my first snowball fight ever. The next day, I got really bored so I asked Jae to jump into the snow with me.

And then me and Chris walked to Ivy Road to pick Diana up. The roads were like this:

Diana stayed over for two nights, and then we had Sunday house church service at Monty. T'was fun. Like a house church.

On another note, I think I must have made >25 cups of hot chocolate (aka. hocho) this weekend. The batch we made on Sunday night from scratch was really nice and smooth - best texture I've ever made. But someone commented that it was "too chocolatey [comma] not sweet enough" which I didn't quite understand.

This whole weekend just felt like a retreat @ Monty with lots of brothers and sisters =).. So FUN! Reminds me of TGIS.. or... should I say.. TGIW? muahahaha...

Last but not least, I saw Good Will Hunting for the first time last night. I like this scene.

On disappointment...

2009-11-16T21:20:00.000-08:00

I think I put too much trust on people.

Tonight, I was thoroughly disappointed by our inability to be compassionate towards others. We don't understand why certain situations are stressful for certain people. We are insensitive. We are slow to help. We are not willing to sacrifice ourselves to love others.

This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. - 1 john 4:10

True love is the willingness to sacrifice. True love is..

- When my apartmentmate cleaned the kitchen and bathroom regularly without saying a word when I still didn't know how to take care of a home when I was a second year

- When my sister woke up extra early to drop me off at work so that I can save 30 minutes commuting

- When my brother volunteered to take a day off to give me a ride because otherwise I wouldn't be able to get a car

I need to learn how to love.

Oh the ironies of life...

2009-10-25T22:29:00.000-07:00

So, as you all know, I'm still here in C'ville.

On the day that I had to leave I found out about a job possibility with a psych professor. After waiting through the weekend, I finally got the words that I can start working for him as a temp worker. The irony: The professor was the first person I've met for the very first job that I had applied to. It was the beginning of the summer when I went to see him and was told that I could work for him when the position open up in the fall, but I never heard anything from until the exact day I was planning to leave C'ville. And the way I found out about it was so indirect - It wasn't me who found out about it, it wasn't the professor who contacted me. It was Grace who saw the poster in Gilmer Hall and showed it to me. It was grace, indeed.

It boggles my mind when I think about how I was so close to working for that Professor even back in July. If it wasn't for the Staff Retreat, maybe I could have seen him on that Friday instead of the following Monday got that summer job in time? It seems like I applied too all these different jobs through out the past three months for nothing just to get back to the very first job that I have applied to. Just like the israelites who wandered in the desert for 40 years when they could have crossed it in 11 days. If there was one thing that God wanted me to learn in this past three months, it could be summarized in this verse "I am the LORD, this is my name. I will not give my glory to another, nor my praise to idols."

My initial reaction to this verse was "ok. sounds like a verse that doesn't really mean much that I can skip through." And then on second thought "I guess I have some idols. Pride, perfectionism, dark chocolate..." But this summer/fall God humbled me by showing me the depth of the word "idol" and the ways that my heart has been occupied by this one "idol" that I have. I have to cast it out, but its so hard its almost impossible - and then I realize it is impossible on my own. Only God can do it. And as I stop trying on my own, God intervenes.

I'm still learning how to give up these idols, but what God told me recently was this: God doesn't care what decision I make regarding where to live half as much as He cares about my heart. When my heart truly desire to exalt God as my King, God will do crazy things for me. He could have dug up the whole Hong Kong and put it right next to Charlottesville if He wanted to. Instead of trying to figure out all the 235,159,325 things that this world forces us to figure out for ourselves, just try this: put God first in our hearts.

10 days...

2009-10-05T15:37:00.000-07:00

I just found out some of you were utterly shocked when you found out that I actually am mentally prepared to leave the States in 10 days. It's true. Not that I don't trust that God can work miracles or that He can provide, but I feel at peace wherever he calls me to be. It is true that I would love to stay here and continue with things that I am doing here, with Bible Study, meeting up with people, etc etc. But I am convinced that if God wants me to stay, he would provide me with financial provision and the status to stay. If not, I would take it as God wanting me to go to Hong Kong and meet opportunities there. Not to say that what I am doing here is not important - they are the works that the Lord has given me to do thus far, but I am truly convince that God would rise up leaders(who, btw, might be you;) to take over the roles that I have been taking up. Especially in terms of Bible Study, God himself has been the leader of our group and He will be, no matter who the "nominal" leader is.

I am excited for what God is going to do within GCF, at Servants, Urbana, even Passion Conference and I wish I could be a part of it, but my first priority is to follow Jesus. God can do anything in the next 10 days and I am looking forward to it. I am fully convinced that things would turn out the best way it could possibly be. So, I just want you to be mentally prepared as well, so that I won't shock you when I finally leave this place in 10 days, if I have to.

pedicure...

2009-09-14T19:35:00.001-07:00

So the "blogging every day till I leave" thing is not working out..

but I went to get a pedicure with jane and julene today for the first time and it was so much fun! I love how my feet looks now =D so pretty... The lady who did it for me is an old vietnamese grandma and I really like her. And i was thinking I should be a masseuse - what other job would give me $80/hour?

My toe nails are now dark purple, by the way.

Oh so hopefully I'll be going up to the mountains on Thursday/Friday.

patience, little sista...

2009-09-09T22:39:00.001-07:00

I'm trying to blog every day until I leave... we'll see how that goes.

I've realized that whether I get to stay is not just a visa issue - there are things that I can do to keep staying here, but it broils down to the fact that my family/parents can't see my visions and can't agree with me in terms of where God is leading me to do. That is, if God is calling me to stay. Right now I "feel" like He is, but the problem is that I'm not completely sure. Not even 50% sure. If I am sure, I can tell them I'm going to stay and if God doesn't stop me they're not going to. But I don't have 100% confidence to say that God wants me to stay. Every fleshly part of me is dying to stay here, but I am afraid that my own desire is masking me from hearing God's voice. I need to know for sure that this is what He wants.

Although I've been trying to know what He wants for me this year for, wow, over a year now, I still have no clue what he wants. Sometimes I doubt if it is because I am not praying right, or I'm not fasting right, or maybe I am just too much of a sinner to hear his voice. But then I realized if He wants to tell me something he'd let me know regardless of what I do or what I fail to do. God is bigger than any wrong thing I can do.

"I will lead the blind by ways they have not known,
along unfamiliar paths I will guide them;
I will turn the darkness into light before them
and make the rough places smooth.
These are the things I will do;
I will not forsake them." - Isaiah 42:16

... and I really like this song we did on Sunday

"We're living in uncertain times,
more and more I've found that I'm aware of how fragile life can be
I want to tell the World I've found a love that turned my life around
they need to know, so they can taste and see

now everyday I'm praying, just to give my heart away
I want to live for Jesus so that someone else might see that he is everything,
he's more than a story,
more than words on a page of history
He's the air that I breathe, the water I thirst for,
the ground beneath my feet,
Oh He's everything... "

36 days...

2009-09-08T22:40:00.000-07:00

The past few weeks have been hard for me, personally. Job-searching-wise, doors have been shutting in my face, personal relationships haven't been going the ways I wanted, and I've been facing tremendous pressure from the family to go home. Sometimes I think it would be much easier just to pack up and leave, but I believe this is not why God has been keeping me here. No matter where I will be for the rest of the year, this remaining 1.5 month would be dedicated for His work here in Charlottesville.
I've been thinking, what can I do, if there is only 36 days left for me in this community, to make the most out of what I have here? What can I do to pour out my all that I have received freely from God himself through this community, to give back to those whom I dearly love here in Charlottesville/VA? I have been locking myself in my prayer closet (aka my room) praying and seeking and trying to figure out what God wants me to do, but I guess with 36 days left, I should start making good use of my geographic location here and do more of those things that I cannot do when I leave this place. And I have came to the conclusion that what I really want to do is to meet up with my sisters (and maybe brothers too), to just talk, and tell them what God has done in my life, and to pray with them.
But of course, I don't want to leave. I want to do college ministry. I don't want to leave my Bible Study group after leading them for just 5 weeks. I want to go to Servants Retreat and Urbana. I want to stay and see what miracles God will be doing in GCF this year. But if God has something else in mind, I am sure it will be the best for me. But for now, all that is asked of me is to love God and persevere. So I'll try to do so, with all these kept in mind:

"Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God." - Colossians 3:1-3

"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you." - Philippians 4:8-9

"You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit—fruit that will last. Then the Father will give you whatever you ask in my name." - John 15:16

"Delight yourself in the LORD
and he will give you the desires of your heart." - Psalms 37:4

" "I, the LORD, have called you in righteousness;
I will take hold of your hand.
I will keep you and will make you
to be a covenant for the people
and a light for the Gentiles,

to open eyes that are blind,
to free captives from prison
and to release from the dungeon those who sit in darkness.

"I am the LORD; that is my name!
I will not give my glory to another " - Isaiah 42: 6-8

2009-09-06T21:15:00.001-07:00

償還過　才情願　閉著目承認故事看完

2009-08-28T20:46:00.000-07:00

And I am telling you...

2009-08-27T23:15:00.001-07:00

(Start from 3:33)

The song/movie i've been obsessed with for the past few weeks...

And I am telling you, I'm not going

You're the best man I'll ever know

There's no way I'll ever go

No, no, no, no way

No, no, no, no way I'm leaving without you

I'm not living without you

I don't want to be free

I'm staying, I'm staying,

and you, and you, and you,

you're gonna love me

... and then she leaves...

I guess having no contextual /environmental cues helps with forgetting painful memories.

The Harvest.

2009-08-19T22:07:00.000-07:00

Intense. I shall expand on this. but I am toooo tiredddddd right now.

Oh great and mighty one  
with one desire we come  
that You would reign that You would reign in us  
we're offering up our lives,  a living sacrifice  
that You would reign that You would reign in us

I will live to love You 
I will live to bring You praise 
I will live a child in awe of You

Another sleepless night spent thinking...

2009-08-11T02:12:00.000-07:00

I can't sleep and sleeping pills(diphenhydramine HCI) don't work. For more than 4 days in the past week I haven't been able to fall asleep before 8am. I have a theory that this has been the longest time I have spent in the States without going to Hong Kong, thus my body trying to adjust itself back to HK schedule. (Yeah, I know that's not it) But seriously, in the past 4 years, my sleeping schedule flip by a 12-hours difference every 4-6 months. My body has gotten so used to it that I don't even jet-lag when I go from a place to the other. I only fall asleep better upon the switch. Somehow I am tempted to go back just so that I can reset my sleeping schedule. Just kidding. It'll mean much more than a sleeping schedule switched when I go back.

I have a lot of thoughts about the movie Julie and Julia. I have to say that I am not a big fan of the movie (sorry Trish!). Maybe its because I did not grow up watching Julia Child's shows - it has been Yan and Jamie Oliver for me. Maybe I am overly skeptical because I do not believe that merely following 400-some recipes one time each would make a good chef. Maybe I am just not a fan of movies without a climax in general. The movie for me was like a blend Boeuf Bourgignon - colourful but not well-seasoned.

My reaction to the movie makes me wonder if I am too skeptical when it comes to food. I remember people asking me what my favourite restaurant in C'ville is, and my answer was "eh..... I haven't found one yet..." I can tell you what my favorite sandwich place is, but for the restaurant level that I expect, I haven't had the money to find out what my favorite one is. This reminds me of my grandpa and how we used to eat out with him once a week, and he would never be satisfied with the meal. We would try different places, and he would make us go to places that he heard was good, but I have never seen him walk out of a restaurant without giving at least one criticism. I used to be annoyed by the complaining and saw it as a sign of ungratefulness, but now I finally understand how he felt. Not that we're not happy with the meal, we're just... not easily impressed, when it comes to food.

The movie also made me think about life. Looks like it portraits a life that our culture glorifies: a way of living that is not necessarily comfortable and wealthy, but with some goals, whatever it is, that might somehow potentially bring fame and fortune, and in the process of trying to achieve the goals, although all might fail it is okay as long as you have someone to love and make love with. And as the goals are reached and fame and fortune follows, voila, your life is lived to the fullest. I don't know about that, man. I feel like it's just one of those lies that have been so widely accepted in the world.

I don't know just yet what my goals are in the earthly sense, and it brings me despair when I see all the talented jobless people around me struggling financially. Although I always say that money does not matter to me, I am in no place to say that - I spend so much of those stuff myself. Money does rule over us as long as we are following the rules here on earth. Maybe that's why Jesus said rich people going to heaven is pretty much physically impossible (the camel needle-eye thing). Not unless with God.

So yeah, these are some inconclusive fragments of thoughts of mine at 6am. If you read the whole thing I'm sorry you had to read it. Unless you have nothing else better to do during the day, like me. The sun is out so I think I might have a chance to fall asleep now. Bye-bye.

P.S. the Caution part on the sleeping pills said to consult a doctor if insomnia continues for more than two weeks, because it might be a sign of "underlying serious medical illness". It kinda freaked me out for a little but, but i guess it doesn't count, because I do get sleep, just not at the right time. Maybe I should try taking melatonin. Or maybe I should consult my dad.

Oh the forgetfulness of men.. and by men i mean all human beings

2009-08-08T02:18:00.000-07:00

Had a real long conversation with God tonight, and was totally pwned by how forgetful I am. I remember random things in great details such as likes and dislikes of my friends (food-wise), but I have been forgetting the reason why I am here, the reason why He kept me alive for the past 22 years. Its amazing how a minor problem can blow itself up right in front of you and become the only thing you see for a long long time, until God pops it. The popping itself is scary and painful. But necessary.

Harvest Retreat is the deadline I set for myself to get answers and make decisions, and it is coming in a week. Please pray about that.

I have decided to stay away from gchat for the time being, so please email/call/text, even mail. It's always delightful when I get those encouragements in a less instant way.

What this Summer has taught me

2009-07-28T00:17:00.000-07:00

"I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength" - Phil 4:12-13

This Summer, God took me on a trip to the Land of Nothingness. He made me leave behind everything that I could possibly be proud of and took away tools that I used to get respect from people around me. He gave me no job, no dreams, no one to lean on, no idea of what I will be doing in the matter of months. No luck of falling asleep when I need to, no control over my own heart, not a single skill that I can be proud of, not even a consistent and strong spiritual life that others can "model after". I was trying to run after these things in dissatisfaction, but somehow, in the midst of all my weaknesses, God has taught me how to be content.

The work of the Holy Spirit is pretty amazing. I still don't understand how I get it. I feel like I am hanging between the end of season 5 and the beginning of season 6 in Friends, if you know what I mean. There are still questions unanswered, but somehow I am content of where I am. Finally, I am no longer anxious in my waiting but at peace as I wait, because I know that if God wants me to wait, He probably has a pretty darn good reason for it. I feel happy, just like this song:

"it takes some silence to make sound... "

and it took me a season of being in want to learn how to be content.

Maybe I'll get this job tomorrow. Let's pray. 4pm.

Taken a little out of the context, but borrowing Paul's words,

"Yes, and I will continue to rejoice, ¹⁹for I know that through your prayers and the help given by the Spirit of Jesus Christ, what has happened to me will turn out for my deliverance."

vanity...

2009-07-19T22:50:00.000-07:00

My new hair was a little crazy but I finally got it under control after taking a shower and applying the korean product "PerfectFusion Silky relexer Smoothing Essence". The curls this time are a lot smaller compared to last time:

From Curly hair

I love my bangs in this picture.

(Mac book webcam can't beat my bro's camera)

I spent wayy too much this week, considering that I am a jobless college graduate. Bought 2 nice knives, a bamboo cutting board, friends came in town so we spent money eating, permed my hair, went to the outlet mall and bought things like 2 different color of the same dress (coz i couldn't decide which one i like more)... all within a week. =.= I need a job.

This post was pretty worthless. Thank you very much.

Yet another 7am post...

2009-07-10T03:52:00.000-07:00

I learned 2 facts today.

I spent the last few hours of the night curling up on my bed agonizing over my heartbrokenness. How my heart was torn apart, this summer, this past semester, last spring break, 2 years ago... by different people, all of them my brothers and sisters. I am bitter. Bitter at how things never work out for me, bitter at stupid people saying stupid things, bitter at liars who think I'm too dumb to find out the truth.

Then I remember listening to a sermon online by John Piper almost two years ago. The title of the sermon was Battling the unbelief of bitterness, something like that. Basically his thesis was we get bitter toward things/people because we don't trust God. We don't trust that the circumstance we are in happened in God's will. We think that we deserve things to happen the way we want them to happen.

I realized that's how I think. I want MY way, and the way things are going on right now is just plain wrong. The way people are treating me is wrong. The way that no job opportunities are showing up is also wrong. I want my way to come true - meet someone who's 4 years older, get married when I am 22, get the citizenship and stay here forever, thus fulfilling the "American dream". But He said,

" For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways. " declares the Lord. "As heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."

I can keep being bitter and channel my rage towards those few people, or I can choose to believe that in everything that is going on, God works for my best interest - because I love him, and I've been called for his greater purpose. even though, emotionally, I feel like I need to be hiding in a hole for a couple of days.

For the first time in a very long time, I wanna go home. Where is home?

Insomia...

2009-07-09T01:44:00.000-07:00

Here I am again - seems like I can no longer fall asleep before 5am anymore. Someone said it's coz I think too much and I am being too emo, but I just blame it on the lack of AC and the caffeine in all the drinks that were accessible to me during the day. Caffeine is in everything! Did you know that even decaf stuff still has caffeine in it?? and even that minimal amount affects me! GAH!!!

I have been sitting on my bed job-searching starting from 1am. The thousands of postings on Craig's List do not have what I want to do but looking through it was really entertaining. There's a UVA faculty staff paying $8.50/hr for someone to look for an apartment for him. I would definitely take it if I had a car.

Just because I did not want to feel like I have wasted all these time looking at job descriptions on websites, I just enlarged my search to tech supports in the hospital/clinics and applied for two of those in UVA. Oh well, it was in one of the 3 things that this psyc prof. in HKU suggested me to do: 1. psyc research 2. any clinical experience 3. Non-profit and I guess that fits into number 2.

The stupid mail program on my mac started downloading all my previous emails from my gmail account, which i started using the summer before i came to UVA. I had a lot of fun looking through those emails though, esp. the personal emails I used to send to my friends back in HK. They were once such an important part of my life. I was reading an email that I sent to my guitar teacher and that reminds me of how close I used to be with him and my other guitar friends - how we spent every saturday together, shopping in TST after guitar class, going on that tv show together... but I hardly talk to them anymore. And then I saw these email conversations I had with people I used to be close with during my first year - I haven't talked to some of them for three years. I'm thinking, what if this happens again? What if three years later, I look back and think about all these people that I think I am so close to, only to find out that our relationship was a history? Will I still care about these people once I'm back in Hong Kong?

Generally, when I leave one place to stay in the other (e.g. coming to school at the States, or going back to HK for breaks), I find myself not paying too much attention to people on the other side of the globe. Evidence: I call home 2 to 3 times a semester, I forget about replying emails from my cell group members when I'm at UVA, I don't like gchatting when I'm in hkg. I think this is a defense mechanism. It might be different when I know that I am leaving this place for good? I'm not too sure. I have been spending a lot of time thinking what would happen if I really have to go when October comes and I can't get a job I want. How am I gonna say goodbye to all these people here? They have been my second greatest source of joy, some of them, for the past four years. Well, actually, because I am such a sinner and my heart doesn't work the way it should be, some of the time people are THE greatest joy in my life. So, I guess this is the perfect time for me to be reading Revelation, so that I can see its not about RIGHT NOW. I think I'll be okay.

On another note, I was reading one of those old Calvary when Jonathan Chiu was the secretary. Ha, the days when I still read the entire calvary. I laughed when I saw this: Sep 30 GCF GoodCleanFun Night . I guess I laughed because when you've been around this long, you would know immediately who came with that name. hahaha.

It's 5:38am. I envy those who can wake up this early.

Oh! I biked today. On the roads I mean. It was very scary and very tiring.

Why am I not sleepy at all? I feel like I could go running. bleh.

It's ok if you don't understand this post

2009-07-02T23:44:00.000-07:00

DUDE

That was pretty close...

I guess that was it? that was the end of the story?

I'm trusting You, I'm holding onto You.

For what do I have if I don't have you Jesus

What in this life could mean anymore

You are my rock

You are my glory

You are the lifter of my head

- Starfield, Cry in my heart

One of those emo late night posts...

2009-06-30T00:49:00.000-07:00

If there is a problem that keeps you wide awake at 3:49am in the morning, it probably means you should do something about it? Or maybe it was just the tea I had this afternoon...

Here is a really emo song that goes well with the mood...

Willingness to take risk

This is one virtue that I admire a lot. In fact, this has become one of the two items that I have broiled down to on the "list" for my future husband.

I once thought that I am pretty good at this. If you ask my friend, they would probably say that I jump into things too quickly, I am to hasty to make decisions... Indeed, I am too impatient to sit around if I know certain things ought to be done. I have to get up right away and do it. If there is something that absolutely needs to be said, I will confront people and talk to them about it. I guess this is why I have such a hard time when I have to hold back.

This time, I want to just take a risk and lay everything out, but I don't think I can. Some people says I am not supposed to do this, and some say I really should. Whatever, I don't really care what they say. What bothers me more is that I am uncertain about what God wants me to do. People say that if I am not sure what to do, just do whatever and God will redeem it. I believe that God is a redeeming God and He uses all our experience to shape us into who we are now, but I also believe that He let us make choices, and there are consequences that follow our choices made. Bad consequences come with bad choices. After all the bad choices I have made during the past two years, I am not too keen on making whatever decision and getting hurt again.

Of all the things that I have learned in this past year, one thing that I have tasted full well was the downside of vulnerability - the pain of betrayal and rejection. I try to be vulnerable when I interact with my sisters because I belief if I can open up to them, sooner or later, they will be able to do the same with me. This year, I finally came to see how it can actually come around and hurt me. For a while I let this get into the way as I interact with sisters and I find myself, for the first time ever after I have met these sisters, hesitating whether to keep certain things to myself. When I had to talk to someone, I chose to talk to guys because unlike girls, their actions showed that they care. It took me three months to realize that this is a problem that I should deal with. Not that there is anything wrong with my brothers, they are awesome. It's just, you know, [copy and paste here all the regular reasons that people talk about against guy-girl friendship]

Today, I was having a hard time and trying to find someone online to talk to. I felt so alone as I realized, "Hey, there is really no one I can talk to! *this person* is far far away and *this person*, I don't really like anymore. And I never really talked to *this person* either" Now, did I make friends and maintain our friendships because this is what I want from them - to be able to have someone to talk to when I am down? More and more did I realize that NOTHING I do is NOT tainted by selfish motives. We love ourselves SOOO much. We can hurt others with our own words and feel hurt ourselves because others interpreted our words in a hurtful way. We never seem to see our own faults. It is so easy to see the sawdust of speck in other's eyes and ignore the plank in our own eyes. We are bound to be hurt from interacting with each other because we are all selfish people.

Does this mean that I should shut my self up and not be vulnerable with these people anymore? Should self-protection get in the way of loving others? When Paul was in jail he said that he has learned the secret to be contend in all circumstances - whether in poverty or in plenty. This is why he can do all things, or let's say, go through any circumstance, through the strength that comes from Christ. This means that no matter how down and unworthy I am feeling, no matter how lonely I am, no matter how betrayed or rejected I feel because of others' actions, I can still be contend. I can still rejoice in the Lord and have the capacity to love others, because the joy of the Lord is my strength - a joy does not depend on circumstances but comes from the fact that my eternal position is secured through Christ. (thanks Francis Chan)

Back to the point of risk-taking. I am not sure how the current situation would go. Today I felt like the whole incident I went through last year is going to repeat itself. This time, the main characters A & B are going to be different, but I will still be me. I've heard that God makes us go through the same trials over and over again until we get it. I think I get what He's saying, but I'm just having a hard time acting upon it. Well, maybe I'm thinking too much. Maybe I'm making a big deal out of nothing. But I tell yah, last time I did this, my suspicion turned out to be true. But maybe this time I am wrong. Maybe it will end in a completely different way. God knows.

---

Oh, if there is any undergrad reading this, note the following - it'll be useful for life:

When someone says "oh there is nothing between us. We're just friends.. " DO NOT TAKE THEIR WORDS. They wouldn't know. Maybe there is nothing now, but only God knows if there will be "something" happening in the future. Trust me, I've said that myself, and I've heard that from others, and SOMETHING always happens - whatever "something" means.

wow it's 5:27am.. that was good thinking time...

When we cross the boundary...

2009-06-23T13:00:00.000-07:00

Whoah I just read something so profound that I am writing a second post right after I finished the first one.

The following is a quote from Neil Anderson, The Bondage Breaker. Great book, by the way. Very interesting perspectives.

"The following statements reveal the sinful results in a number of areas where we are tempted to take the good things that God created beyond the boundary of God's will:

- cautiousness becomes unbelief

- self-care becomes selfishness

- self-respect becomes conceit

- communication becomes gossip

- positiveness becomes insensitivity

- lovingkindness becomes overprotection

- judgement becomes criticism

- conscientiousness becomes perfectionism

- self-protection becomes dishonesty

- carefulness becomes fear "

(... that's not all of it)

The actions on the left are all God-intended and there is nothing wrong with doing these things. However, when we try to put ourselves before either God or other people, we cross the boundary to the actions on the right. Just like what was said in the Heart Motives sermons, when we allocate all our resources to glorify ourselves instead of glorifying God, we sin.

I JUST SAW A GROUNDHOG PASSED BY OUR BACKYARD THROUGH MY WINDOW! Random animals have been showing up around the house ever since the mouse incident - a red robin is building a nest on the tree right outside my window, a deer stared at me through my other window few days ago, and then a groundhog showed up!! OH, and the possum in the trash can last winter.. This is so exciting!! Maybe I'll get to see a hedgehog some day!! (fyi, I grew up in a city where you can only find flowers if someone plant them intentionally. In a pot.)

Okay, my train of thought is interrupted..

about fishing....

2009-06-23T11:49:00.000-07:00

Today a jehovah's witness person knocked on my door. The lady was really sweet and nice, and I didn't want to cut her off, so I just let her talked for a few minutes. What I find somewhat thought-provoking, though, was the conversation I had with a buddy afterwards:

Chris: wuddup

2:13 PM me: yooo

not much

just talked to a jehovah witness

Chris: hope they didnt change ur mind

o_O

me: hahahaahha

me: she didnt really say anything.. just gave me some magazines but she said she'll come back

2:15 PM why is it that when someone knock on your door holding a bible, you can almost be sure that they are not presbyterian christian?

2:16 PM Chris: iunno my friend

western cultural influence

2:17 PM me: my point is, why are we so conservative in winning souls while we are the ones who should be most sure that we are preaching the truth?

2:18 PM Chris: relating to my point, i think it isn't our most effective form of witness because of the stigma attached to the door to door evangelism

2:19 PM people are already instill with a negative connotation about what youre doing

not saying it cant work

i just think thats why its generaly not practiced

i think they do it in the midwest a lot though

2:20 PM me: hm.. so when people are not doing this because of the stigma, they are actually saying "I am not doing this because people will think that I am weird and that I want something from them"

Chris: i think itd be analogous to trying to witness during rush-hour traffic

people just aernt as open to it in that setting

not saying ur afraid to do so

2:21 PM haha give it a shot!

me: hm...

but we don't really do it in any other way either..

Chris: thats true

2:22 PM well we just sent a team to mexico?

but yeah. theres always more to be done

2:23 PM me: well i think sending a team to somewhere far away but not really talking to people about God right here is a little... backwards..

Chris: or...we should be doing more

2:24 PM me: yeah...

Chris: haha good job jaeson ma

:-)

me: eh....

2:25 PM what do you think about this

i propose that being afraid to talk about Christ to people we know = being ashamed of the gospel

because we are afraid that talking about that would jeoperdize our relationship with that person

2:28 PM Chris: hm

i wont disagree with that

but i think there are caveats to it too

goes back to ur heart motive

i dont think its...as clearcut as you define it

2:29 PM cuz that can lead to a legalistic mentality 'i need to share christ with this person today'

obviously im playing one extreme vs another

but i think u make a valid point

but discernment is big too

as a teacher, u cant share ur faith

or else u get fired

2:30 PM is that a matter of being asahmed or using better judgment

(i like these kinda discussions)

2:31 PM me: Its like what sherry shin shared at women's retreat... too bad you couldnt be there

2:32 PM but basically i think that there is a difference between preaching the gospel in a context that you are not supposed to, and being open about your faith so that people will come to you and ask about your faith

(me too)

2:51 PM Chris: good point!

but coming to ask about ur faith

2:52 PM me: yay!

Chris: is different than feeling of guilt for not sharing with friend

that word

'ashamed'

phew

me: yeah.. and im not saying we should.. but i guess if you feel guilty, that means something in you is pushing you do it, and you should do it?

.....
Woah that's kinda long.. but the vision I have for gcf next year would definitely involve a lot more of evangelizing. When we look at the model of the early church, we see people with boldness, people who are ready to suffer for the sake of preaching God's word. Here in America we are so caught up in being comfortable and giving everyone a good impression that we think telling others the truth is offensive. It's like when your boss his pants are unzipped. Well, you should probably tell him then because although he might be embarrassed at first, eventually he would be thankful for your honesty... I don't know if that makes sense, but I just think that if we don't identify our believes to those around us, we're not living like a believer. I am not saying that we should stuff the gospel down everyone's throat either - that would just make people run away from you. Just like how my mom used to force me to read the Bible as a kid which made me avoid reading the Bible for the longest time. But identifying yourself and being not ashamed of your belief is different. and its hard to achieve. I don't want to sound righteous writing this, because I am definitely not doing this enough either. So this is mainly me preaching to myself. I don't know who reads this anyways. ha!

Understanding motives of the heart

2009-06-19T21:25:00.000-07:00

This was the topic of the first week of Bible Study for the summer. We spent extensive hours listening to sermons and studying the Bible about the heart and Rev. Min Chung's heart motive theories.. it was tiring yet awesome. A few things I've learn this time that's worth mentioning...

1) Heart Motives open our eyes to Total Depravity - that all that we do are tainted with our selfish motives, that our righteousness, to our Holy God, is just like filthy rags... (Isa 64:6).. thus, Calvinism. But more than making us depress over our own sinfulness, it drives us to repentance, and true repentance brings us to obedience to change. If we do not fight to change, there's no point in learning this whole heart motive thing.

2) It is so easy to try to manipulate others using heart motives... But maybe feeding the heart motives to make others feel loved isn't really a horrible thing either? I'm not sure.

3) maybe there's not really "a few" things that I've learned after all? I'm just thankful for the Summer BS because I get to choose my own topic and prepare the studies (which I enjoy tremendously) and I LOVE those ladies..

Apart from Bible Study, I don't think I can really tell you what I've been up to these days.. because I'm not really sure..

You know the feeling when you REALLY want to do something, but you feel guilty doing it, but it's not necessarily a bad thing either, you're just not really sure? ... yup... that's what I'm feeling right now..

The end of an era

2009-06-02T21:49:00.001-07:00

Today it finally hit me that I am no longer in college, which has been an essential chapter of my life. As I saw my friend leave this place and move on, I realized it marks the end of an era. I too, should figure out what to do with my life and move on. At this point, I am really not sure what I'm going to do after the summer. I thought I am pretty set, but this weekend, I have been considering following another direction, to live in some place totally different from what I've been expecting.

On another note, this is what my dear friend told me when I was being emo today.

"life does not revolve around the people you meet

but rather the impact they have left in your life

hold on to that, not the person

The person who left today has made a fairly large impact in my life. From the skills that i learned, to the words of wisdom during my hard times, to all the things I learned just by observing the way he lives. My goal is to try to make impact on others just like he did on me.

I need to figure out what to do for my life...

I'm no longer a student....??!! And.. MICE!

2009-05-28T14:17:00.000-07:00

I still can't fully grasp the meaning of a college graduate. I'm not a student anymore? So now when I fill out surveys, I have to put "jobless" instead of "student"? And I don't get student discount(legally) at harris teeter anymore? Oh, and now I have to leave Clemons by midnight, and I can't log on to UVA computers with my student id.... and I can't go into AFC whenever I want, although I never go that so often anyways..

I've been reading this book called Shattering the gods within by David Allen, a psychiatrist. It talked about how people has an innate tendency of making gods out of things - our friends, our passion, our career, our own image of "who God is", even the problems that we are facing - essential anything that takes over our heart and occupies the majority of our time, we have elevated to the position of "god".

Yesterday, I saw a mouse running across our kitchen which finally confirmed my suspicion of having a mouse in our house. I freaked out. Ever since that moment the only mission that has been on my mind was to kill/catch that mouse. Ed set up traps for me (because I am too scared to do so). When we came back 3 hours later, the peanut butter was gone but the trap was still untriggered. Stupid smart mouse. We reset the traps, but the next morning, the traps were still untouched and I found more droppings in my room. Gahhhh...

This morning, I woke up thinking about mice. I spent the whole day talking to people about what happened, taking advice on what I should do. I spend almost all my free time thinking about the mouse (possibly mice) and what to do with it. I was too scared to stay where the problem is that I had to run away from home. Essentially, I have elevated the mouse problem to be my "god". I have stared so intensely at it that I couldn't even see the real God behind it.

Isn't this what one would do when s/he meets God? Being so overwhelmed that s/he cannot stop talking to others about what had happened. Spending time thinking about what to do with this God that s/he has found. Leaving home, the place where s/he once were, to take action to deal with this new God that s/he has come to know. It would become the only concern of the person that nothing else would really matter. Is this how we are treating our God?

Shatter the image of pseudo gods in my heart. Show me who You really are...

Last day of classes

2009-04-28T10:36:00.000-07:00

I am now in my last class of college life, and it's ever so boring. I don't think I care too much about electrons and other particles in Quantum Physics.

This morning I woke up from a nightmare, something about divorce and taking care of a little boy. He was so cute. And I woke up half an hour after my alarm first went off.

I left my keys and wallet at home in the rush.

In volleyball class, I was so out of it I feel like I was dragging the team down.

After the first class, I left my phone in my friend's car.

After the second class, I went all the way to the lib to get the house key from my roommate. I went there, watched her stuff while she was away doing something, and then I left. I forgot about the key until I was back in Physics building.

I was so frustrated after that and I kept complaining to people online about how much I suck.

I need to stop complaining but I can't, which frustrates me even more.

I was so stupid. I made stupid mistakes. I get so frustrated easily. I am failing this class. I am a horrible person. I should just.. stop being a person.

But who am I to say that I'm unworthy, when someone gave up his life just so I can have mine?

Restore unto me the joy of your salvation.

New blog!

2009-04-26T21:45:00.000-07:00

of course. It's finals time.